Today, something horrible happened today. Horrible. Also today was the first night of my show. So there I am trying to hold together my crumbling inner self while smiling and glad-handing at the post show party. Containing the emotion is causing an actual physical reaction, nasuea and a headache to rival any I have ever faced. I am holding back the shacking and the crying and the gnashing of teeth. This was supposed to be a happy day, a good day. Now all is ashes and dust. I can't express...I-I don't know. That's all I can say to those few who know what happened today.
They say, "How are you doing?"
I say, "I don't know."
Over and over again this will happen in the next few weeks, maybe for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. Around it goes in my mind, over and over. Why? Why? WHY! There is an answer? If there is I don't see it. This is stream of consciousness writing I don't-I don't suppose you will understand. Be glad you do not. I just cannot express. All is just shards of pain floating in my chest. Ripping. Tearing. Shredding. I am hollow. I am sorry. I am sorry. nothing makes sense anymore. I just don't know.